My new year’s resolutions for 2014

8 Jan

Pardon me while I have an ‘open-letter’ conversation with myself about some things I need to stop and start doing in 2014, and for the rest of my life.

Eat your heart out, Baz Luhrmann.

Eat your heart out, Baz Luhrmann.

 

First of all, stop procrastinating! This means deleting Candy Crush off your phone. You’re awful at it, you can’t even get past level 23. Your phone battery will reward you for this by lasting the whole day, imagine!

Stop faffing. You can get more done.

Stop getting angry about small stuff. Inanimate objects are not out to get you. In year 2147 you don’t want to look back at your life and think “I was so pissed off all the time”.  This also includes your road rage (well, more of a tantrum than anything else). One day you are going to flip off a future business contact. That could be awkward.

Related; stop driving like a jerk. Except for that indicating-at-the-last-minute thing you do, keep that until you leave Joburg, it’s necessary here.

Finish reading Dorian Gray.

Walk with a straight back. Tall is sexy! There’s a reason ‘The Hunchback Giraffe of Kruger National Park’ was not one of Hans Christian Andersen’s best-sellers. Scares the kids.

2 hunchback giraffe

What?

 

No one is going to take you seriously as a professional if you talk like you are still in school. Speak like a grown up. Use your grown up words. ‘Sick’ means ill, not a way of describing an excellent holiday. (Although to be totally honest, I never really got comfortable using that word, and only used it once, under the influence of some wine, in a Facebook status update).

Don’t buy plastic bags.

Exercise more. This means actually using that amazing running watch you spent a fortune on back when you were a gold digger in Ghana and could afford such luxuries.  Climbing weekends are encouraged but only if you don’t get blotto on red wine on Saturday night then just lie in your hammock and watch everyone else climb on Sunday.

Play with Oliver more. He is the sweetest, most intelligent dog you have ever been lucky enough to have as a pet. You can’t take him with you to Sydney and he is the reason you will get homesick. 

I have never met a dog with more personality.

I have never met a dog with more personality.

 

And stop hoarding.

You do not need this much stuff!

You haven’t worn it in three years, you do not need it.

 

Revive your blogging ‘career’ with a blog called “Giraffe Stories” so that your family and friends can follow your new adventures in Australia without having to follow your vile Twitter account.

Consider starting a new, more vile Twitter account for your wicked thoughts and not sharing the name with your conservative loved ones.

Lastly, drink more water! Gurrrl, you are DEHYDRATED! A glass of water a day is not enough, imagine how much more beautiful* and youthful you could look.

Not that 2013 was such a bad year –

You excelled in a difficult career move.

You didn’t buy one plastic bag, although I often noticed that the cashiers had charged you for some anyway.

You made and maintained fabulous relationships with fabulous people.

You made and maintained fabulous relationships with fabulous people.

You didn’t get any speeding fines. (Driving like a jerk notwithstanding).

You improved your French and polished your cooking skills.

–  I just want 2014 to be bigger and better: charm and good looks* are on your side and this big, life-changing move to Australia in March will be a testament to your resourcefulness.

How to be resourceful

Being resourceful: step one.

 

*(Also, maybe start working on that whole modesty thing for next year’s round of resolutions. Maybe.)

BBC. Beaches Be Crazy. Or, Busua Beach Club

14 Nov
This past weekend I had the chance to get to the beach in Busua. It’s a gorgeous resort about 30minutes drive* from Takoradi (one of the main ports and the fourth largest city in Ghana). 
 
 

Takoradi night life. It's all happening at Vienna City

 

I’ve been working seven days a week for the past month so needed this mini-break like Kate Moss needs a Big Mac.

 

Abokwa Island - the tiny dot in the middle

 
 

After a different kind of Saturday night in Takoradi – which at one stage included the unfortunate discovery of some Ghanaians with American accents attempting karaoke – a Sunday afternoon spent drinking whiskey and eating freshly-caught lobster on the beach was a not such a shabby way to end a weekend.

Busua Beach

 
 

Hand-made fishing boats

 
 

Looks tame, but it'll steal your swimwear

  

and if losing a bikini to a rough Atlantic Ocean was the worst of it, I say “Life’s a beach. Let’s do it again tomorrow!”

 

Ye little surf shoppe

 

 * Or more. Or less. But who’s counting when you’ve got a great view and the scenery outside the car ain’t too bad either  *wink*

 

Sunset at Takoradi Beach

Look it:

Busua Beach

Takoradi on Wikipedia

.

Advice from an old lady

14 Nov

This is definitely my favourite Post Secret this week

   

Carpe diem

 

I might just

 

 

My should-have-been dog

5 Nov

If pets look like their owners, then this should be my dog…

 
 
 

 

 

 

…blonde, and too tall for my bed.

 

 

Red Hot Movember

3 Nov

A few weeks ago, I was working from home with the telly on in the background. MTV was playing music videos (who knew they still did that?) when a song started that I thought I recognised from the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album, but… No, wait! Who is that? NOOOO! That can’t be Anthony Kiedis! What is on his face?!?

RHCP music video for ‘The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie’

Since that day, I have been thinking (and Googling) a lot about moustaches, and men that can pull them off.

Ashamed as I am to even be admitting this to myself, I have come to somewhat like those fuzzy little lip blankets. My absolute favourite, of course, is the Tom Selleck 

“Yeah, can’t talk now, must-dash”

 

Magnum P.I.’s stache is the most glorious collection of face hair I have ever seen on the lip of a fully-grown human being (bar Mish to the D‘s Movember Twitter avatar).

Love your work, Mish!

But back to Mr Selleck. Whilst searching for images of the mane man, I mistakenly typed ‘Tom Sellers’ which led to the accidental discovery of the true Anthony Kiedis look-alike. None other than the Pink Panther. I mean talk about separated-at-birth, hellooo?!

Or is it just me that sees it? Yes? No? Dead Ant??

And while we’re on French characters, how about that impressive follicle action next to the nose of Monsieur Marc Lièvremont, at the recent Rugby World Cup 

Marc Lièvremont

French media tribute Marc Lièvremont

 

History of the moustache

Direct copy and paste from Wikipedia reveals that “shaving with stone razors was technologically possible from Neolithic times, but the oldest portrait showing a shaved man with a moustache is an ancient Iranian horseman from 300 BC.” 

Pazyryk felt artifact, ca. 300 BC. horseman with wonsal style moustache

 

Let’s see, 2011+300… that’s over two thousand, three hundred years of snorre in vogue. Show me any other trends that have lasted as long.

And the evolution of it! The styles! The Facebook appreciation societies!!

There is so much more to this vast subject than a simple blog post can cover in a stolen moment from counting bricks.

So I will leave it here with a Merry Movember, y’all!

May you grow such furry Flavour Savers that your own mothers recognise you not!

Best part – it’s for a good cause Movember.co.za | Face Grown & Hand Brushed

In support of Movember, I will be….

painting my nails…

...let's not get out of hand, I am a lady, after all

 
 
(Thank you Dean Oelschig for this inspiration)
 

Found a few funny sites worth having a look at for some ideas, tips, motivation, amusement…

Beard Revue

Moustaches (according to Wikipedia)

Snorgustus – it already started in August!

Fake Moustaches at Oppikoppi

This site for year-round tashe praise and a competition to boot:  Bangers and Nash

Mo the force be with you, Fashionistas Moustachionistas!!

Style Guide 2011

 

Jonah Hill & Elmo modelling the latest 'imperial' line

 

Looney Tunes' Yosimite Sam. Who says kids can't learn anything from watching cartoons?

 

Androgyny is so in this month

 

A young 'Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV'

 

McSteamy *drool* (I had to)

 

Moustacha!! Moustacha!! MOUSTACHAAAA!! Brrr..

Chest-stash

Chest-stash... I have no words. Only concern.

I heart Jersey Shore

2 Nov

I love it! I love it like I love junk food!

And the main reason for that is because it is so far removed from a life I would ever lead.

Imagine!!

The Guido & Guidette lifestyle of dancing like you’re mating, getting trolleyed on a daily basis (wait, this I can imagine) and working a dead-end job in between tanning sessions and having your claws groomed. Sounds like that could be fun – for an hour.

The cast of Jersey Shore

 
 And so I live vicariously through these orange, alien creatures on an alternate universe… Escapism, if you must.

 

I leave you with this beaut I found on the net today.

Next generation Jersey Shore-ian? Creepy!

The future cast of Jersey Shore

Ironed socks

23 Oct
My random life is like a cheesy, American comedy and you can really drop in on any episode for a new, entirely-unrelated-to-previous-storyline adventure.
I figured this is how I should start my blog. Slap bang in the middle of my latest excursion – Ghana.
 
So here I am, starting a page of my rants and raves, in rural Western Africa.
 

The Neighbourhood

Without delving into too much inane detail, I will say that I have been here for just under three weeks. It’s amazing and colourful and the people are very friendly. Being one of the few white faces for at least a few hundred kays, I am semi-famous. Ok fine, so it’s just the neighbour’s children who shout “oberoni oberoni” and wave madly when we leave the gate – it’s the small things…

We are really fortunate to be so well looked-after here. We have a butler. And he irons our socks. Our socks? (!!) The closest my clothes at home have come to that is accidentally snagging them in a hair straightener.

This is not home but it will do for a replacement for the next eight weeks. And the creaseless hosiery will help me get by.