My new year’s resolutions for 2014

8 Jan

Pardon me while I have an ‘open-letter’ conversation with myself about some things I need to stop and start doing in 2014, and for the rest of my life.

Eat your heart out, Baz Luhrmann.

Eat your heart out, Baz Luhrmann.


First of all, stop procrastinating! This means deleting Candy Crush off your phone. You’re awful at it, you can’t even get past level 23. Your phone battery will reward you for this by lasting the whole day, imagine!

Stop faffing. You can get more done.

Stop getting angry about small stuff. Inanimate objects are not out to get you. In year 2147 you don’t want to look back at your life and think “I was so pissed off all the time”.  This also includes your road rage (well, more of a tantrum than anything else). One day you are going to flip off a future business contact. That could be awkward.

Related; stop driving like a jerk. Except for that indicating-at-the-last-minute thing you do, keep that until you leave Joburg, it’s necessary here.

Finish reading Dorian Gray.

Walk with a straight back. Tall is sexy! There’s a reason ‘The Hunchback Giraffe of Kruger National Park’ was not one of Hans Christian Andersen’s best-sellers. Scares the kids.

2 hunchback giraffe



No one is going to take you seriously as a professional if you talk like you are still in school. Speak like a grown up. Use your grown up words. ‘Sick’ means ill, not a way of describing an excellent holiday. (Although to be totally honest, I never really got comfortable using that word, and only used it once, under the influence of some wine, in a Facebook status update).

Don’t buy plastic bags.

Exercise more. This means actually using that amazing running watch you spent a fortune on back when you were a gold digger in Ghana and could afford such luxuries.  Climbing weekends are encouraged but only if you don’t get blotto on red wine on Saturday night then just lie in your hammock and watch everyone else climb on Sunday.

Play with Oliver more. He is the sweetest, most intelligent dog you have ever been lucky enough to have as a pet. You can’t take him with you to Sydney and he is the reason you will get homesick. 

I have never met a dog with more personality.

I have never met a dog with more personality.


And stop hoarding.

You do not need this much stuff!

You haven’t worn it in three years, you do not need it.


Revive your blogging ‘career’ with a blog called “Giraffe Stories” so that your family and friends can follow your new adventures in Australia without having to follow your vile Twitter account.

Consider starting a new, more vile Twitter account for your wicked thoughts and not sharing the name with your conservative loved ones.

Lastly, drink more water! Gurrrl, you are DEHYDRATED! A glass of water a day is not enough, imagine how much more beautiful* and youthful you could look.

Not that 2013 was such a bad year –

You excelled in a difficult career move.

You didn’t buy one plastic bag, although I often noticed that the cashiers had charged you for some anyway.

You made and maintained fabulous relationships with fabulous people.

You made and maintained fabulous relationships with fabulous people.

You didn’t get any speeding fines. (Driving like a jerk notwithstanding).

You improved your French and polished your cooking skills.

–  I just want 2014 to be bigger and better: charm and good looks* are on your side and this big, life-changing move to Australia in March will be a testament to your resourcefulness.

How to be resourceful

Being resourceful: step one.


*(Also, maybe start working on that whole modesty thing for next year’s round of resolutions. Maybe.)


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